Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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