this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
