Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
