btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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