you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
this is an emotional support booty call
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
