I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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