i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
