Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
