No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
