Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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