He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sext me about skeletons
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize