I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
