boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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