I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
