my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize