Someone shit on the floor
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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