The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
