Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
