I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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