I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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