I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
