Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
