...so i touched it.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
