please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
