Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
