Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
