Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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