it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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