: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
be right there i have to get my cape
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize