I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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