My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
