the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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