Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
