my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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