I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
