his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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