Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize