I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
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