chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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