Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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