I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
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