I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
