ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The uberlube is also flammable
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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