I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You ruined the universe
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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