I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
why do cheetos always look like penises
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
