it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
