after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
