i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
