Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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