just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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