how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
