I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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