remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
