So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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