Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
