We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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