i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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