I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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