he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
