sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
