My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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