I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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