one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
