Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
