Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
then he tried to convert me to islam
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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