i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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